Infused.

Night time is my favorite time to write. Actually anytime that is after midnight and before 8am. I may not publish these until later, but I love turning off and letting auto-pilot just spill out of my fingers. All of my days thoughts that I've collected can just flow out of me with out having to "try" for an insightful blog.

So, today I woke up and pretty much relaxed. Today though was different. Something was stirring inside of me, and I am not just referring to this baby boy who loves my rib cages...emo already. Started my morning off with Apple Jacks and then did a bunch of cleaning around the house. By 2:30ish I found myself melting into the sofa for my nap. I fell asleep for 2 hours and woke up to the sound of thunder and rain. I felt like I was given a do over...or better yet...2 days in one. Usually, when I nap, they last for hours and I wake up feeling like death. This nap was different, it brought me back to a certain place. While finishing the rest of the dishes and perfecting the kitchen, I was listening to Camera Obscura station, which makes me blush and feel more than most music, and realized I need to paint again. I know, I know what you must be thinking...I barely keep up with my blog. The thing is....is that I feel like I am talented or could do most things, if only I kept motivated. As of today though, I realized that it's more or less that I do not feel good enough at any one special thing. Where is my passion, my gift? So, I've decided, once I have the funds, I am going to get an eisle, lots of canvases and paint....and dammit...I am going to make time for all of this and read books. Since pregnancy, I've done nothing but allow myself to be consumed...and my thoughts consumed with it. This is all to be expected, but if anything....right now is not the time to lose myself, but only to perfect my flaws and use them for passion.

After cleaning, I drove into town to pick up milk. With the windows down and sunroof back, the intoxicating, dark clouds overhead were illuminated with the sun's last fight. The air smelled so fresh and green. I just wanted to keep driving until something made me pull over or called to me. I made it to my destination and still in a trance...I walked in and I felt like the most beautiful creature that any had ever laid eyes on. See, I won't always be pregnant, and though I still feel beautiful and sexy, not all see that....or what I'm trying to say is that...it isn't like I look like a Maxim model right now, but I still grab attention and from men and women...as well as little kids. Being pregnant is a different level of acceptance and relying on self. The last time I felt like this, was when I cut all of my hair off. The typical stigma of sex appeal is taken off and replaced with raw, pure, and complex beauty of the soul. On a side funny note....I laughed as I walked around with milk. Ha, ha, ahhh. So, I drove home in the rain. The thunderstorms came to me once more for the evening. I rode with the windows down (mid way) and let the rain kiss me. My drive today was the most beautiful drive and words really cannot do it justice because it was merely this feeling within that satisfied me.

Milk in the fridge, laptop playing Edith Piaf, and the smells of ground meat sizzling....all led to a fantastic time cooking. I am not usually one for cooking, but tonight...today...all of it was different today. I felt myself reconnecting with a girl I once knew and times she had where it all made sense. The joie de vivre has tainted me once more. I doubt it ever left, but I forgot in this hectic time...where honestly I have no idea what to do or what will happen, but then again..I never do and that makes me who I am.

It is always the little things.