Roots and Weights

Big comfy queen size mattress, eluvium gradually engulfing me, teddy bear allowing my tired head to rest on him all while I'm in a once familiar room that still has the same blueprint but just now with a bit more character on the walls. This room has seen many years and many years that I cannot remember. Before I get too far ahead of myself...let me go back a bunch of hours....

i spent my tuesday packing and moping and feeling down. here i am 25, pregnant, single and moving back in with my parents (which makes sense) in a town that I loathe so much. I felt like a failure. Granted I know a lot of that is hormones, but I still acknowledge these feelings and allow myself to feel them strongly, but only to remember "it's not the end of the world". we are never given anything that we cannot handle, even if we say "i cannot handle this"...we know deep down inside we can but who wants to feel those hurts constantly? So, with great encouragement from an amazing person, I cried some more and then realized...it's okay. I am different and life is still unfolding and sharing its secrets with me.

So..Wednesday morning, I am up for 830am and after a strawberry poptart, I begin the inevitably long day. I am lacking in motivation for the fact is I know things are going to change once living with my parents, and though I may not like some of them...I know that this is where my season has led me. So, I pick up my sister (who is 15) Stormie and we eat a lovely lunch outside in the sunshine and then continue to the house and load as much as we can into my mother's van *which i really don't like letting people drive my car because i'm ocd about the seat, yet i borrowed hers and adjusted the seat as one does in most cars...but still i'm ocd about this* after unloading at the house with the help of my sisters two young guy friends, we are on the road again...back to Lafayette....load up again, drive, and drop off a load. I knew I was back in Breaux Bridge when the first thing I saw was an old man on his lawn mower, at the gas station.

I wrote this at 1 in the morning when I was so tired from making the 3 trips to Lafayette and the 3 trips to Breaux Bridge and the 1 trip to St. Martinville. I'll blog later but I there is no way I can get back to this place of emotion, for the day was miserable and full of so many emotions.

22 weeks....and it's a....

So, April 6th, I had my doctor's appointment and I knew that we would be scheduling THE ultrasound. It had been since January since my last u/s...I am patient as my doctor commended me for not bothering her. After my doctor's appointment, she came in and said that she scheduled my u/s for right now. Hahaha, I was so overly excited as was my mum. I immediately called Joey and told him to get his ass there asap. After waiting in the room for 10 minutes, where an old man said it was going to be a cooler than normal summer according to the Farmer's Almanac...they called me in. With a hop skip and a jump...I was on the table in no time and feeling the warm jelly on my belly. I was finally getting to see my baby. Funny, one can feel the life growing inside, yet seeing an image of this child brings so many feelings into play. It is truly amazing. Anyways, we waited patiently to make sure the baby's head and insides were all in place and no cleft...etc etc. Joey came in and we proceeded with the rest of the ultrasound. I wish people could just experience this feeling at least once in their life. Finally, it was time to reveal the gender. We had a healthy baby BOY!!!!

The look on all of our faces was priceless. Secretly, we all wanted a boy but had accepted that it would be a girl. I'm going to have a little boy that I can raise as a gentleman for some beautiful girl. I can have him save me from bugs, teach him how to fix a car, and we can go fishing and explore nature. I think having a boy will help me face some fears as well (bugs and water heehee). Life is so beautiful. My biggest lesson, which I've always known and practiced but with friends lately...it has been more apparent...to find the beauty in the good and bad. I know that life is going to be really hard at points and do not think that I am fully aware of how much this is going to change me, but I know and believe that it is one beautiful journey ahead...and now.

So, I'm thinking of naming him Atlas Wolfe. I want an unforgettable, strong name. It is not set in stone but it is definitely my favorite thus far. A few days ago, I bought him his first clothes. I just felt so happy about my purchases and motherhood is feeling fantastic. The best part is that I feel like I look fucking hot. I know I am ;) Being pregnant suits me and I would have never known that. Some of the things in life you say you never want...end up being the best things to happen to you. I'm frolicking and happy...because I have life inside of me and because I am content with myself. Love you all.