29 weeks. 2 1/2 months to go.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Infused.
Night time is my favorite time to write. Actually anytime that is after midnight and before 8am. I may not publish these until later, but I love turning off and letting auto-pilot just spill out of my fingers. All of my days thoughts that I've collected can just flow out of me with out having to "try" for an insightful blog.
So, today I woke up and pretty much relaxed. Today though was different. Something was stirring inside of me, and I am not just referring to this baby boy who loves my rib cages...emo already. Started my morning off with Apple Jacks and then did a bunch of cleaning around the house. By 2:30ish I found myself melting into the sofa for my nap. I fell asleep for 2 hours and woke up to the sound of thunder and rain. I felt like I was given a do over...or better yet...2 days in one. Usually, when I nap, they last for hours and I wake up feeling like death. This nap was different, it brought me back to a certain place. While finishing the rest of the dishes and perfecting the kitchen, I was listening to Camera Obscura station, which makes me blush and feel more than most music, and realized I need to paint again. I know, I know what you must be thinking...I barely keep up with my blog. The thing is....is that I feel like I am talented or could do most things, if only I kept motivated. As of today though, I realized that it's more or less that I do not feel good enough at any one special thing. Where is my passion, my gift? So, I've decided, once I have the funds, I am going to get an eisle, lots of canvases and paint....and dammit...I am going to make time for all of this and read books. Since pregnancy, I've done nothing but allow myself to be consumed...and my thoughts consumed with it. This is all to be expected, but if anything....right now is not the time to lose myself, but only to perfect my flaws and use them for passion.
After cleaning, I drove into town to pick up milk. With the windows down and sunroof back, the intoxicating, dark clouds overhead were illuminated with the sun's last fight. The air smelled so fresh and green. I just wanted to keep driving until something made me pull over or called to me. I made it to my destination and still in a trance...I walked in and I felt like the most beautiful creature that any had ever laid eyes on. See, I won't always be pregnant, and though I still feel beautiful and sexy, not all see that....or what I'm trying to say is that...it isn't like I look like a Maxim model right now, but I still grab attention and from men and women...as well as little kids. Being pregnant is a different level of acceptance and relying on self. The last time I felt like this, was when I cut all of my hair off. The typical stigma of sex appeal is taken off and replaced with raw, pure, and complex beauty of the soul. On a side funny note....I laughed as I walked around with milk. Ha, ha, ahhh. So, I drove home in the rain. The thunderstorms came to me once more for the evening. I rode with the windows down (mid way) and let the rain kiss me. My drive today was the most beautiful drive and words really cannot do it justice because it was merely this feeling within that satisfied me.
Milk in the fridge, laptop playing Edith Piaf, and the smells of ground meat sizzling....all led to a fantastic time cooking. I am not usually one for cooking, but tonight...today...all of it was different today. I felt myself reconnecting with a girl I once knew and times she had where it all made sense. The joie de vivre has tainted me once more. I doubt it ever left, but I forgot in this hectic time...where honestly I have no idea what to do or what will happen, but then again..I never do and that makes me who I am.
It is always the little things.
So, today I woke up and pretty much relaxed. Today though was different. Something was stirring inside of me, and I am not just referring to this baby boy who loves my rib cages...emo already. Started my morning off with Apple Jacks and then did a bunch of cleaning around the house. By 2:30ish I found myself melting into the sofa for my nap. I fell asleep for 2 hours and woke up to the sound of thunder and rain. I felt like I was given a do over...or better yet...2 days in one. Usually, when I nap, they last for hours and I wake up feeling like death. This nap was different, it brought me back to a certain place. While finishing the rest of the dishes and perfecting the kitchen, I was listening to Camera Obscura station, which makes me blush and feel more than most music, and realized I need to paint again. I know, I know what you must be thinking...I barely keep up with my blog. The thing is....is that I feel like I am talented or could do most things, if only I kept motivated. As of today though, I realized that it's more or less that I do not feel good enough at any one special thing. Where is my passion, my gift? So, I've decided, once I have the funds, I am going to get an eisle, lots of canvases and paint....and dammit...I am going to make time for all of this and read books. Since pregnancy, I've done nothing but allow myself to be consumed...and my thoughts consumed with it. This is all to be expected, but if anything....right now is not the time to lose myself, but only to perfect my flaws and use them for passion.
After cleaning, I drove into town to pick up milk. With the windows down and sunroof back, the intoxicating, dark clouds overhead were illuminated with the sun's last fight. The air smelled so fresh and green. I just wanted to keep driving until something made me pull over or called to me. I made it to my destination and still in a trance...I walked in and I felt like the most beautiful creature that any had ever laid eyes on. See, I won't always be pregnant, and though I still feel beautiful and sexy, not all see that....or what I'm trying to say is that...it isn't like I look like a Maxim model right now, but I still grab attention and from men and women...as well as little kids. Being pregnant is a different level of acceptance and relying on self. The last time I felt like this, was when I cut all of my hair off. The typical stigma of sex appeal is taken off and replaced with raw, pure, and complex beauty of the soul. On a side funny note....I laughed as I walked around with milk. Ha, ha, ahhh. So, I drove home in the rain. The thunderstorms came to me once more for the evening. I rode with the windows down (mid way) and let the rain kiss me. My drive today was the most beautiful drive and words really cannot do it justice because it was merely this feeling within that satisfied me.
Milk in the fridge, laptop playing Edith Piaf, and the smells of ground meat sizzling....all led to a fantastic time cooking. I am not usually one for cooking, but tonight...today...all of it was different today. I felt myself reconnecting with a girl I once knew and times she had where it all made sense. The joie de vivre has tainted me once more. I doubt it ever left, but I forgot in this hectic time...where honestly I have no idea what to do or what will happen, but then again..I never do and that makes me who I am.
It is always the little things.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
So, here I am, with 2 and 1/2 months to go and this whole pregnancy is just now affecting me the hardest. The emotions and hormones are brutal. This is so much bigger than me. I am going to be a mom, someone who is always responsible for another person's life and safety, who kisses wounds, and the constant for a little boy. Thankfully, from a few people, I've been told I am consistent and I sure am hoping I can be that for him. Today I realized that I will become that friend that you dearly miss, but the fact that I have a child will get in the way of you inviting me over out of the fact you have no children and ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I know this...because this has been me for years.
As I come to the end of my pregnancy, the third trimester, I realize just how fast it has all passed by. Granted, I've had a wonderful pregnancy...when it comes to the way I've perceived and carried on. It is truly hard to do this on one's own...though it is possible, it does not make it easier. At the end of this, I feel like I've been robbed of sharing this with someone I love or someone who wants to share this excitement. I will be honest, I am scared shit-less but I believe in myself. Love, hmm, it comes in so many forms and I am grateful for my friends and family who have supported me from day one. I would be a complete and utter mess without them. I feel so selfish yet chosen to be able to have the bond I will have with my son.
With life, we are always focused on what we are missing and set out to find "it".... the missing parts do hurt, but I have something so much more amazing in front of me. We are allowed to hurt and want, but we shouldn't let it keep us from accepting happiness and life that is right in front of us. This could all be bias, seeing how I am an emotional, single mother preparing for exactly what it means to be a mother...and preparing is where I am lost.
I just want to be comforted, massaged, and share memories of the movement and growth of my son. This will be the most incredible journey and moments any one person could experience. I just want to share my happiness instead of fretting about the future. Security is nice....even if it's just a safety net beneath you while dancing across the canopy. I am going to be amazing and broken...but I am going to be the best mother and love my son unconditionally. If I go any further with this...I may lose my focus and hormones will take over. Too much. Love.
As I come to the end of my pregnancy, the third trimester, I realize just how fast it has all passed by. Granted, I've had a wonderful pregnancy...when it comes to the way I've perceived and carried on. It is truly hard to do this on one's own...though it is possible, it does not make it easier. At the end of this, I feel like I've been robbed of sharing this with someone I love or someone who wants to share this excitement. I will be honest, I am scared shit-less but I believe in myself. Love, hmm, it comes in so many forms and I am grateful for my friends and family who have supported me from day one. I would be a complete and utter mess without them. I feel so selfish yet chosen to be able to have the bond I will have with my son.
With life, we are always focused on what we are missing and set out to find "it".... the missing parts do hurt, but I have something so much more amazing in front of me. We are allowed to hurt and want, but we shouldn't let it keep us from accepting happiness and life that is right in front of us. This could all be bias, seeing how I am an emotional, single mother preparing for exactly what it means to be a mother...and preparing is where I am lost.
I just want to be comforted, massaged, and share memories of the movement and growth of my son. This will be the most incredible journey and moments any one person could experience. I just want to share my happiness instead of fretting about the future. Security is nice....even if it's just a safety net beneath you while dancing across the canopy. I am going to be amazing and broken...but I am going to be the best mother and love my son unconditionally. If I go any further with this...I may lose my focus and hormones will take over. Too much. Love.
Friday, May 14, 2010
27 weeks
I haven't wrote much lately, but my thoughts have never turned off. To be honest there are just so many that run through in a day that I cannot find a starting point to begin to explain what I feel, think, or want. Reality, surrealism, and naivete can sum up most of this.
I enjoy pregnancy. Though, seeing how it lasts for 10 months, I go through ups and downs of believing it. How can this be so real and beautiful, yet terrifying? It must be terribly difficult for men to go through these changes of becoming a father. Here, I'm incubating/hosting this little boy inside of me and still having a hard time accepting all that comes in only 3 more months. This beautiful little boy, Micah, that grows inside of me is going to scratch his knees, catch frogs, make me laugh, love his daddy, go to school, make me upset, get grounded, and one day go off to college. His first car, his first girlfriend, first shave, first kiss..date...nightmare. I am going to be responsible for his well being and molding him into a fine young gentleman. This makes me smile and cry all at the same time. He will change me.
I feel as of lately, this indescribable feeling actually....though imagining it is only normal. Guess I'm just tired of the anticipation and want to just know how this is going to turn out. 27 weeks and starting to get uncomfortable. Having a hard time getting up, or laying and sitting for too long. My back is always hurting and moving slower. I feel as though I'm a beautiful rare specie that after observing for a large amount of time, the crowd slowly dwindles down until the last person is tired and has the creature figured out.
My recent escape from reality left me wanting to create my own world. The movie Science of Sleep constantly captures my mind.
Do not doubt that I'm in love with this child and all that comes along, but that I am human and am aware of the hard, rewarding journey ahead. I'm grateful for you.
I enjoy pregnancy. Though, seeing how it lasts for 10 months, I go through ups and downs of believing it. How can this be so real and beautiful, yet terrifying? It must be terribly difficult for men to go through these changes of becoming a father. Here, I'm incubating/hosting this little boy inside of me and still having a hard time accepting all that comes in only 3 more months. This beautiful little boy, Micah, that grows inside of me is going to scratch his knees, catch frogs, make me laugh, love his daddy, go to school, make me upset, get grounded, and one day go off to college. His first car, his first girlfriend, first shave, first kiss..date...nightmare. I am going to be responsible for his well being and molding him into a fine young gentleman. This makes me smile and cry all at the same time. He will change me.
I feel as of lately, this indescribable feeling actually....though imagining it is only normal. Guess I'm just tired of the anticipation and want to just know how this is going to turn out. 27 weeks and starting to get uncomfortable. Having a hard time getting up, or laying and sitting for too long. My back is always hurting and moving slower. I feel as though I'm a beautiful rare specie that after observing for a large amount of time, the crowd slowly dwindles down until the last person is tired and has the creature figured out.
My recent escape from reality left me wanting to create my own world. The movie Science of Sleep constantly captures my mind.
Do not doubt that I'm in love with this child and all that comes along, but that I am human and am aware of the hard, rewarding journey ahead. I'm grateful for you.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Roots and Weights
Big comfy queen size mattress, eluvium gradually engulfing me, teddy bear allowing my tired head to rest on him all while I'm in a once familiar room that still has the same blueprint but just now with a bit more character on the walls. This room has seen many years and many years that I cannot remember. Before I get too far ahead of myself...let me go back a bunch of hours....
i spent my tuesday packing and moping and feeling down. here i am 25, pregnant, single and moving back in with my parents (which makes sense) in a town that I loathe so much. I felt like a failure. Granted I know a lot of that is hormones, but I still acknowledge these feelings and allow myself to feel them strongly, but only to remember "it's not the end of the world". we are never given anything that we cannot handle, even if we say "i cannot handle this"...we know deep down inside we can but who wants to feel those hurts constantly? So, with great encouragement from an amazing person, I cried some more and then realized...it's okay. I am different and life is still unfolding and sharing its secrets with me.
So..Wednesday morning, I am up for 830am and after a strawberry poptart, I begin the inevitably long day. I am lacking in motivation for the fact is I know things are going to change once living with my parents, and though I may not like some of them...I know that this is where my season has led me. So, I pick up my sister (who is 15) Stormie and we eat a lovely lunch outside in the sunshine and then continue to the house and load as much as we can into my mother's van *which i really don't like letting people drive my car because i'm ocd about the seat, yet i borrowed hers and adjusted the seat as one does in most cars...but still i'm ocd about this* after unloading at the house with the help of my sisters two young guy friends, we are on the road again...back to Lafayette....load up again, drive, and drop off a load. I knew I was back in Breaux Bridge when the first thing I saw was an old man on his lawn mower, at the gas station.
I wrote this at 1 in the morning when I was so tired from making the 3 trips to Lafayette and the 3 trips to Breaux Bridge and the 1 trip to St. Martinville. I'll blog later but I there is no way I can get back to this place of emotion, for the day was miserable and full of so many emotions.
i spent my tuesday packing and moping and feeling down. here i am 25, pregnant, single and moving back in with my parents (which makes sense) in a town that I loathe so much. I felt like a failure. Granted I know a lot of that is hormones, but I still acknowledge these feelings and allow myself to feel them strongly, but only to remember "it's not the end of the world". we are never given anything that we cannot handle, even if we say "i cannot handle this"...we know deep down inside we can but who wants to feel those hurts constantly? So, with great encouragement from an amazing person, I cried some more and then realized...it's okay. I am different and life is still unfolding and sharing its secrets with me.
So..Wednesday morning, I am up for 830am and after a strawberry poptart, I begin the inevitably long day. I am lacking in motivation for the fact is I know things are going to change once living with my parents, and though I may not like some of them...I know that this is where my season has led me. So, I pick up my sister (who is 15) Stormie and we eat a lovely lunch outside in the sunshine and then continue to the house and load as much as we can into my mother's van *which i really don't like letting people drive my car because i'm ocd about the seat, yet i borrowed hers and adjusted the seat as one does in most cars...but still i'm ocd about this* after unloading at the house with the help of my sisters two young guy friends, we are on the road again...back to Lafayette....load up again, drive, and drop off a load. I knew I was back in Breaux Bridge when the first thing I saw was an old man on his lawn mower, at the gas station.
I wrote this at 1 in the morning when I was so tired from making the 3 trips to Lafayette and the 3 trips to Breaux Bridge and the 1 trip to St. Martinville. I'll blog later but I there is no way I can get back to this place of emotion, for the day was miserable and full of so many emotions.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
22 weeks....and it's a....
So, April 6th, I had my doctor's appointment and I knew that we would be scheduling THE ultrasound. It had been since January since my last u/s...I am patient as my doctor commended me for not bothering her. After my doctor's appointment, she came in and said that she scheduled my u/s for right now. Hahaha, I was so overly excited as was my mum. I immediately called Joey and told him to get his ass there asap. After waiting in the room for 10 minutes, where an old man said it was going to be a cooler than normal summer according to the Farmer's Almanac...they called me in. With a hop skip and a jump...I was on the table in no time and feeling the warm jelly on my belly. I was finally getting to see my baby. Funny, one can feel the life growing inside, yet seeing an image of this child brings so many feelings into play. It is truly amazing. Anyways, we waited patiently to make sure the baby's head and insides were all in place and no cleft...etc etc. Joey came in and we proceeded with the rest of the ultrasound. I wish people could just experience this feeling at least once in their life. Finally, it was time to reveal the gender. We had a healthy baby BOY!!!!
The look on all of our faces was priceless. Secretly, we all wanted a boy but had accepted that it would be a girl. I'm going to have a little boy that I can raise as a gentleman for some beautiful girl. I can have him save me from bugs, teach him how to fix a car, and we can go fishing and explore nature. I think having a boy will help me face some fears as well (bugs and water heehee). Life is so beautiful. My biggest lesson, which I've always known and practiced but with friends lately...it has been more apparent...to find the beauty in the good and bad. I know that life is going to be really hard at points and do not think that I am fully aware of how much this is going to change me, but I know and believe that it is one beautiful journey ahead...and now.
So, I'm thinking of naming him Atlas Wolfe. I want an unforgettable, strong name. It is not set in stone but it is definitely my favorite thus far. A few days ago, I bought him his first clothes. I just felt so happy about my purchases and motherhood is feeling fantastic. The best part is that I feel like I look fucking hot. I know I am ;) Being pregnant suits me and I would have never known that. Some of the things in life you say you never want...end up being the best things to happen to you. I'm frolicking and happy...because I have life inside of me and because I am content with myself. Love you all.
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